


still breathing

by acquiescencejtm



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: AU, Angst, Emotional Hurt, Friends to Lovers, M/M, POV Tyler, Regret, Sad, Unhappy marriage, conflicted tyler, in the head of the broken who broke the broken, in which tyler made a wrong decision, joshler - Freeform, just really sad, sorry - Freeform, the josh who got away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 15:31:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8806330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acquiescencejtm/pseuds/acquiescencejtm
Summary: His heart says yes but his mind says no.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a really sad one sorry

Ever thought of how easy it would've been if we could have the ability to balance our emotions no matter what obstacle that hits us?   
What I'm saying is that, I love him.  
I love Joshua William Dun, very much. I love him with the way he'd sleep with those lights on and I'd get up, groan loudly then proceed to switch it off.  
No, it didn't end with the door slamming.  
I'd take a longing time to appreciate the messy fluff on his head and I'd scoot in the cold bed, contributing some warmth by gently holding his hand, then I smile as I see him peacefully breathing.  
A living, stunning masterpiece.

I am not afraid of falling. I'm terrified of the thought that I could break him, and he'd be on the ground hoping for me to pick him up.

What if I neglect his hand? 

Why do I love him? 

How could I possibly love him?

I don't deserve to love him. 

He deserves someone stable, someone who's able to tell him how much it's easy to love him. Not someone who finds it difficult to utter a simple three word phrase.

That is the case with this three word phrase. For some, it was easy to say, without having to choke or stutter a few messy sentences that didn't really escape my mouth. It was almost as though inside this chest, a dying frog was internally screaming in a dark, toxic pool of water and impurities. The frog would have its tongue out, and once it reaches the back of my throat, it survives to recycle the lie and proceed to normalise the situation until I've lost time and the ticking clock happened. 

I was not the one who ran to chase Josh.

It was _him_.

Josh cried as I knelt my right knee on the ground, a glimmering diamond shining bright at the oblivious blonde beauty. 

The guilt was-is there. It hasn't left my chest. I could sometimes feel it suffocating my head and I try to neglect the feeling, enveloping my _lover's_ waist with my arms that are longing for a different kind of warmth. " _This feels foreign"_ , I could hear my chest whine. 

My brain often rumbles about how my chest is fragile. 

Could I really be choking at a time like this?

I see her, but I don't feel her. I blame the chest, as if it has a mind of its own. Aren't I supposed to be the dominant of this kingdom in a palace that feeds on my pain? 

Maybe, in another parallel universe, Josh is smiling and holding my hand in a park. We could be sharing a single cone of ice cream, waiting for our little one to settle down as he/she swings their favorite toy in the ocean air. We could be having our vows said in the church and we'd promise that our commitment is to be eternal for each other. I don't care, we could just be in the same room and I'd feel happy seeing his face brighten up as we have our foreheads touching. 

But, what is now is inevitable. 

My heart wanders towards someone who is not there.

_I'm sorry, Josh._

_I really am in love with you._

 

**Tick tock.**

****Tick tock.** **

******Tick tock.** ** **

********Tick tock.** ** ** **

**********Tick tock.** ** ** ** **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a while hello  
> this thing i wrote is more of like a rant  
> no, i don't have someone i like i've just been battling with my head these past months  
> i just feel really ill and i hope there's a way to be happy
> 
> stay alive, guys. |-/


End file.
